Good God, Y'all

My typical commute home from work is fairly enjoyable. I zoom down the GW Parkway at twice the speed limit (while being passed by others) admiring the beautiful view of the city and listening to the wide spectrum of music available to me on the XM radio after a long day of work. This afternoon was no different, and I sped home as usual in a not too shabby mood. I had accomplished a lot today, was looking forward to an evening with friends, and was generally happy. I was in the middle of a particularly moving rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” (I have a little trouble with the high notes), when all the sudden, bitch in a white Toyota Corolla (circa 1995) plows into my lane out of NOWHERE. I emphasize nowhere because this was a particularly light day of traffic, and there was no reason I could see to endanger, at a minimum, two lives in order to get into the left hand lane. The insanity continued when, after deciding that the imaginary cars in front of her were going way too slow, she decided to ride the center line of the highway while checking to make sure it was OK to get back into her original lane, speeding off into the sunset.

Now, I’m not one to buy into the standard driver stereotypes that are out there. In fact, I find most of them so offensive that I won’t even mention them here. However, one stereotype that has proven to be consistently true is that Maryland drivers are absolutely insane. At first, I though it was just a coincidence when I started to notice a pattern of poor driving etiquette on the part of our neighbors to the north. But, the Washington Times (yeah, I know…I read it just this once) recently published statistics showing that 64 percent of citations issued by automated traffic cameras in the District were issued to Maryland drivers, compared with 20 percent issued to District drivers, and 9 percent issued to Virginia drivers. (7 percent went to drivers from others states). Do you realize the significance of this figure? This should be grounds to stop these people at the border and turn them around until they learn how to drive.

Even as we speak, Maryland officials are beginning their outcry, claiming that District officials are unfairly targeting out-of-District drivers, and that this is our alternative to passing a commuter tax. Yet, we hear nothing from our Virginian neighbors about this unfair penalty. One of the main features of the traffic camera is that it can’t discriminate, and is one of the reasons it’s part of Marty Stroodler’s Utopia. It’s other great power lies in it’s ability to show you habits and behaviors that you might not have expected. Well, WE all knew what the cameras would say, but Marylanders (is that what you call them?) just seemed stunned. I think the answer is simple – send our overly bureaucratic DMV representatives from the District over to Maryland to begin immediate re-testing of all individuals in their ability to operate a motor vehicle. Do it for the children…or at least my sanity on the drive home.