Give It Up, Grannie!

Since the concept of online banking came about, I’ve been its biggest supporter. Sure, there’s always some hesitation to trust your money with a system that, at times, has proven to be about as secure as a drunk sorority girl on spring break, and change is always difficult to accept in some measure. Yet, can anyone deny that the system of online banking has made our world a better place? I think I’ve written three paper checks in the past five years, and I’ve only had to mail one of them. This is a huge advantage for those of us that can’t be bothered with the trivialities of buying stamps or …writing.

Even for the standard adult male and female with normal attention spans, online banking provides a huge advantage over the old system of checks and stamps. Money is applied from your account to your bill almost immediately, eliminating the need to balance a checkbook in most cases. Also, no more checks getting lost in the mail! I know, the USPS has like a 99.999% rate of reliability, or something ridiculous like that…but lost mail still happens. This way, if the company to whom you are paying a bill doesn’t get your payment, it’s the bank’s fault, and they typically have some sort of reimbursement mechanism in place in case you get charged a late fee.

So why are there still holdouts!? I know some very intelligent and forward thinking people that are still unable to make the switch to the 21st century. Just last night, I was having a conversation with a lawyer (you know you you are), and he’s unable to accept online banking for admittedly trivial reasons. “I don’t know…I just like paper!” I think these people are holding up progress. Can’t banks do the same thing the airlines did to wean us off paper tickets? It’s the same basic situation – people holding onto paper because it makes them feel better, even though all the mechanisms for using the paper are electronic anyway. All the airlines did was start making it more expensive for people to carry around these stupid tickets in their pockets, and voila! Instant conversion. I guarantee you…as soon as banks start charging $1.00 to cash checks, the switchover will be complete. This will get us just a little closer to my utopia…

Major Marty Stroodler’s Utopia

• All forms of paper payment have been eliminated and you pay for everything with chip implanted in your big toe.
• Traffic cameras installed at all traffic lights penalize riders for speeding, running lights, and just being assholes, eliminating the need for traffic cops.
• The George Foreman Hair Maker is introduced. It’s a device that fits on top of your head and does your hair the exact same way every morning, applying just the right amount of product. Can you imagine how much time we’d save!?
• Flying cars. Come on, man. We’ve been waiting too long.
• PDA-like devices at all restaurant tables that allow you to order and pay whenever you feel like it. No more being pressured to order by a waiter with an agenda or waiting for the check when the same waiter is on a smoke break. We only need them to deliver the food and take complaints.
• Eveyone who is married, coupled, or in a significant romantic relationship has to wear a red dot on their foreheads. The Indians got it right the first time around, but let’s expand it to everyone…not just women.