Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Airport Attrocities

I've just witnessed a most surreal and annoying situation, and I need to blog it in real time...

I'm sitting in the Columbus International Airport, waiting for my flight to National, and as I'm typing away on my laptop, a woman sits in the same row of uncomfortable faux-leather chairs (beyond my one-seat buffer) with an intermediate size (I would say mid-size, but we all know that's a totally different category) dog and very small pink dog carrier bag. Now, I start looking for the much smaller dog that she must have hidden somewhere because the dog I see has no hope of fitting in this bag. There is, however, no other dog in sight. The woman sits down, arranges her bags so that she also has a one-seat buffer on her other side, and then proceeds to try to stuff the dog she has into this smaller bag. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is STUFFING A DOG INTO A BAG. The dog doth protest...severely. It takes five minutes of the her grabbing the dog by the snout and trying to force it into the bag, with the dog resisting (understandably) and much as it could. Finally, the dog tires, and she is able to shove it in the pink bag of torture. Hearing that zipper close was almost as painful for me as it probably was for the dog.

The dog now begins to whimper and whine, attempting to scratch at the small mesh window that the bag provides, giving the dog some view of the freedom it could have. Having felt satisfied with her accomplishment, Ms. Dog Abuser decides she needs a latte, and asks the older couple on the other side of her one-seat buffer if they could watch the dog (suffer) while she runs off for her beverage. The older couple is happy to oblige, but can't stand seeing the dog in this state. They unzip the bag slightly to pet the dog's head for some comfort, and the oppressed canine escapes into the airport!

A passer-by foils the escape attempt and returns the dog to the seating area, as Ms. Abuser returns. She's distraught that now she has to shove the dog back into the bag. Meanwhile, a woman searching for a seat in the gate area walks by our row and comments to Ms. Abuser, "They let dogs fly now?" "Do you have to by an extra ticket?" The answer to both is yes, and the newcomer appears annoyed. It's at this point where her husband follows her with a stroller containing a screaming child. She comments to her husband, "...knew this would happen. Yeah, I asked them at the desk. I'm allergic. What am I supposed to do? This wasn't supposed to happen." This is all whispered to her husband in that annoying, suburban white woman I'm-not-going-to-confront-the-problem-directly-but-whisper-loud-enough-so-everyone-knows-I'm-pissed voice. She then proceeds to sit RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOG when there are plenty of other seats available in the seating area. On top of it all, Ms. Abuser's husband is trying to violate my one-seat buffer but touching my bags with his ass as he searches for a seat.

Childeren are screaming, dogs are being abused, the allergic woman is still complaining, and I'm about to loose my mind. The worst part of this whole thing for me was deciding whether or not to do something about the dog abuse. I know that animals don't enjoy the same comforts we do, nor should they. While the shoving did appear cruel and quite unusual, it might be deemed acceptable by the others in the airport. If I spoke up, made a scene, and called for backup from the airport people, they would likely just tell me it was normal for a dog to fit into a bag that size and that "it doesn't hurt the dog." I think the dog would suggest otherwise, if the fight it put up was any indication.

People who try to treat their pets like companions one minute and luggage the next shouldn't be pet owners. Bitchy women that are allergic to dogs and don't think they can fly next to a dog should say so and get reseated. Lastly, someone like me who sees what could be animal abuse should have the balls to say so. Which one of us is worse?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Men and Apartments

As my apartment hunt has now moved into it’s terminal phase, I’ve realized that apartment hunting is a lot like dating. The parallels are frightening at times, but lessons learned from one can usually be applied to the other. Here is a list of the lessons I’ve learned in trying to find both an apartment and a boyfriend. Mind you...I haven't yet been successful in either.

1. It’s always better to shop for one when you don’t need one.

2. Appearing desperate can only hurt you.

3. Make a list of the core characteristics you’re looking for, and don’t compromise them because you’ll only regret it later. However, be flexible on the small things because they may not matter as much as you think.

4. Only accept an offer out of genuine interest and not out of politeness or an inability to say “no.”

5. Be honest about what you want, with yourself and with others. If you say you’re looking to commit, but really still want some more time to explore your options, you’re just being a dick.

6. When you get overwhelmed with your search, take a break. Sometimes you need to withdraw and regroup to get a fresh perspective on what you’re looking for.

7. Once you find one, it’s usually temporary, while friendship can last a lifetime. Never spite your friends to find one…unless you find a REALLY good one.

8. Dress to impress. You never know when you walk into one of these situations if you will be the interviewer or the interviewee. Either situation can only be improved for you if you’re wearing your good-ass jeans.

9. Never commit to anything the first time you meet. You may feel differently after you get a good night’s sleep. It’s best to keep the first meeting cordial and brief, think about the experience, and then decide whether or not you want to continue.

10. Age is subjective. Newer isn’t always better. Sure, newer usually looks better initially, but you also have to expect that newer also means you could be surprised by problems that come up as time goes by. Older may not attract you initially, but you may find that older is more comfortable and reliable, even if it requires a little getting used to. Rely on #3.

Having said all this, it is critical to remember that while craigslist.org can help you in your search for one, it will NOT help you in your search for the other…

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Mea Culpa

OK...OK...I have to admit it, Madonna's new albums is great. I've heard only four of the tracks that I just downloaded, but it's pretty damn great. Thank God...now I have running music for another month. Thanks, Queen of Pop.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Full of Piss and Vinegar

There are just some Saturday nights that are made for self-imposed solitary confinement. On those nights, TV usually plays some sort of role in keeping me occupied, and tonight is no different. As I endlessly flipped channels, my attention span came to a rest on this little gem. This is totally real...I swear.

And here's a quick synopses of how it's used....

Urine Gone™ effectively removes new or old stains and odors from carpets, mattresses, furniture -- just about any washable surface or fabric! All you do is darken the room and use the included "stain detector" black light to show the urine messes. Just spray Urine Gone on and let it dry. Stains and odors disappear and keep pets from re-marking their territory.

So you get this black bottle and a black light, and it will take care of all your urine problems? Honestly, if your dog/cat/child is pissing all over your residence that much, a little bottle scented liquid ain't gonna take care of your problem. Yet, I think the best part of this is that this product will sell like crazy, but not for urine removal. Suspicious lovers all over this great land will be buying this product primarily for the black light. I predict that the next big seller will be Semen Gone. Imagine how much more Clinton could have gotten accomplished in office if he'd squirted Monica down with a cum-eliminator. How late is the patent office open?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Touched for the Billionth Time

The hysteria has already begun. The buzz surrounding the release of Madonna’s new album Confessions on a Dance Floor reminds me of the incessant noise the cicada’s made in the summer of 2004. I’ve heard “Hung Up” about a billion times since it happened to show up on the internet prematurely a few months ago. I’m picturing Madonna sitting in front of her instant messenger program of choice, signed on as kabalalover1958, pushing her track out to the world, and telling a select group of fanatics that she got it from some DJ in New York.

Now, I’m sure every homo in America will be all over this album like Oprah on a child molestor, and I confess, I’ll probably buy it. But I’d like to suggest an alternative for those craving a new music purchase. The Eurythmics came out with a compilation CD this week, The Ultimate Collection. I know what you’re thinking…how can a combination of songs from the last 20 years compete with new Madonna material? It’s the freaking Eurythmics, with new songs! This could lead to a whole new album. It’s just too exciting to think about.